Paddy Power: Have I Goth News For You

Over at PaddyPower right now :

 
Keeping reading if you like:
 - slagging off elderly people driving cars
 - slagging off elderly people in charge of Italy
 - death threats that are funny when they don’t happen to you
 

Sorry, Stuff Keeps Happening In Snoormula 1
As the old saying goes, one man’s spring in the head is another man’s opportunity. In this case Michael Schumacher has the opportunity to prove that this Ferrari is indeed rubbish and not even his skills or bashing people off the road could make it win. My local radio station reported that he’d even be back in the Ferrari in time for the Spanish Grand Prix, which would be pretty impressive as it would mean the Italians have perfected time travel. That’s unlikely as a competitive car seems beyond them at the moment.

The ‘There’s Always A Lot More About Football Than Anything Else, Isn’t There?’ Bit
Man City’s quest to assemble a squad of not quite top class players continues relentlessly with the signing of Kolo Toure for £16 million. Arsene Wenger spotted chuckling heartily all the way towards the financial institution.
 
 
Speaking of Le Professeur, his work on the flux capacitor has come to nowt and if he wants to turn back time to when Arsenal were more successful [actually, there’s was no need for that 'more'] he’s going to have to do it another way. Bringing Patrick Vieira back is the first step. Now it’s just a matter of finding out what Marc Overmars and Giles Grimandi are up to these days. And if they still own a pair of boots.
 
 
Robbie Keane says he welcomes the arrival of Peter Crouch at White Hart Lane and not just because he now has someone to take stuff down off high shelves.
 
 
In an attempt to return AC Milan to the glory days when Paolo Maldini was only 39, Silvio Berlusconi says from now on the club are only interested in players under the age of 23. Funnily enough, that’s the same policy he has when it comes to his women.
 
 
The Peace Cup – the most inappropriate name for a football tournament since the Champions League.
 
 
Apparently Man Utd are being targeted by some of the most evil people in the world - but I’ve known about the Glazers for years!! Arf, arf! They should probably spend more time worrying about this unsavoury guy who sees the club as legitimate “enemies of Allah.” Gary Neville hasn’t been spotted kissing the badge in front of a mosque so I don’t think it counts as a proper hatred.
 
 
Celtic are out of the Champions League after losing the home leg of their tie with Dinamo Moscow. The second leg is still to come next week, but I’m beating everyone else to the punch.

Miscellaneous Other Story Section
Oh wow. This hasn’t taken too long. Only a few days after experiencing the joy that comes with the miracle of birth, Roger Federer is already finding excuses to get out of the house around nappy changing time. “Oh sorry darling, it’s the Davis Cup, I have to play. It’s really important. In Argentina.”
 
 
*MUNCH, MUNCH, SCOFF, SCOFF*. Oh yeah, leave that battered cod over here and is the chocolate cake nearly ready? Ricky Hatton takes a few moments out of his ferocious training schedule to tell us he’s in great shape and wonders if there’s anything bigger than supersize?
 
 
Michelle Wie says she has received death threats. Rumours that they regularly feature a voice saying “get better because we’ve invested a truckload of money in you” and can be traced back to a phone in the Nike offices have yet to be confirmed, but I have my suspicions.

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